The Birth of Something Great

I feel like my hands will short the mic from holding onto it so tight as if it were a gun. The man across from me seems to be playing the negotiator with his calm slow movements towards me. I really don’t want to cry in front of nearly 4,500 people especially if this is recorded. The broad built man with the deep raspy voice wearing the wireless mic headset comes closer to me. I can barely maintain eye contact feeling so inadequate to speak up.

               “So tell me Richard, why do you want to kill yourself?” He asks confidently while moving steadily in. His eyes never leave mine. The room is so still, the air is stagnant – not a movement or sound as if it was all vacuumed out.

               “Look…I just can’t…” I fail to maintain my composure and start to crash. Wishing that somehow I could just disappear right there.

               “You came here because you DID want to change!” The motivational speaker stands there with his coaching voice giving comfort but with stern lips.

               “No…it’s over…I don’t know what I want in life…” I say with weakness. Inside I know just what to say but can’t gather the reasoning to get it out.

               “Don’t lie to me, you know that deep down you have something to give back. You’re not going to quit, you know that you won’t let yourself quit.”

               “I’m…useless…I can think of so many reasons…” I stop there now fully consumed in my emotions unable to navigate through my words and just fold over and give up. Why did I come here?

               “I can think of so many reasons of why you shouldn’t do it. First off…” He pauses and starts to smile at me, “…you’re a very handsome man…has anyone ever told you that?” I look up with a grin and start to laugh. This is ridiculous, this man is paid to say these things all so that he can accrue enough readers and up his publicity. He doesn’t care how I really feel. I shouldn’t have come here. What a waste of my –

               “Second, you’re a person who possesses the strength to enter in a room of over 5,000 people to MAKE A STAND AND END THIS PAIN…I know you’ve had these thoughts for years, right? If it’s anything I went through, you’ve probably stayed awake for endless hours at night contemplating the quickest, painless way out because you felt that you had no place in the world and that you were never heard and weren’t taken seriously. You’ve probably looked at your peers around you supposedly taking off with life as you were supposedly left behind and that you were still that child who still walks and acts like one inside…haven’t you?”

I stand there motionless but have the courage to look right back at him in the eyes. Suddenly I see that he is in tears as well. Now standing in front of me, he looks down at me (he is a very tall person),

               “In fact, you’re probably so tied up in your own self-criticisms and inner judgments, that its sometimes hard to breathe…and that you would do the world a favor by slipping quietly out the back door…so not to disturb anyone…” We are both in tears. His hands rest on my shoulders,

               “Well…let me tell you what I see in front of me today. I see raw courage – in the flesh. I see so much strength and honesty. You see, we are all creatures of habit and comfort and will take the easy road out 99.999 percent of the time. But you, Richard are not taking that easy road – NO, you have had enough and are changing your life – RIGHT NOW.” He points downward with intent to emphasize the ‘right now’ part.

               “Richard, look around you.” I take a quick glance over to see others with damp eyes and are seated in motionless awe. Are they compassionate? They sure do look like it.

               “Do you believe that no one cares about you? If you do…you’re wrong. I’m not a gambling man, but I would take that to Vegas and you and I could split the winnings.” Some laughter follows as I find myself cracking a smile.

               “Richard, you are too hard on yourself. And just like you and the rest of the world, we have this nagging voice in our heads – not like we’re actually hearing things, but more like its our own voice telling us that we are not good enough, we’ll never make it, we’re too fat, we weren’t supposed to win – whatever it tells us, we believe it. The only thing you need to do with this nagging voice is to STOP BELIEVING IT." He steps back for a moment, "I don't know what it is, but I feel like you have a great mission ahead of you in life. You were meant to be a beacon to those around you who need your help, what would you like to do in your life. I know there is a masterpiece of some sort you would like to build, what is it?."

I stand there for a good while thinking about it, then suddenly my world is better. How could I not see this before? Of course. I have always wanted to help others who are in my shoes and to give back. I never saw it until now. A burden has been lifted. I put the mic up to my mouth, "I want to create a university that helps people with problems like mine."