“Press ZERO or say
REPRESENTATIVE to reach an operator”
“Representative,” The caller says with some authority.
“Please hold for the
next available associate. Your call may be monitored or recorded for quality
assurance purposes.” The cheap jazz queues in following the automated
message.
23 MINUTES LATER
“Good Afternoon and thank you for calling So Cool Entertainment, my name is
Jillian representative number 332602. How may I help you today?”
“Yes, hi Jillian, I have been trying to cancel my account
for a couple of months now, and I keep getting blown off or transferred with
some ridiculous wait time and counter offered with more stuff that I will have
to pay for later on. Jillian, I think you are the one to help me out here.
Please, I want to cancel this account. I don’t ever remember signing up for
this. I just bought one DVD at one of your stores and they tried to sign me up
with all kinds of useless stuff. I’m done, help me.”
There is a pause on the other end of the line as Jillian is
heard typing at her keyboard.
“Ok, well I apologize for the inconvenience and certainly we
can help you out by cancelling your accounts.”
“Wait a minute, accounts? Like there’s more than one?”
“I’m showing you have the VIP Package, Backdoor Pass, MVP
bundle, and the Stardom Rewards Card.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, they never mentioned anything about all
of those! How much has that been costing me?”
“I’m showing on your profile that it has accumulated over 2,300
dollars.”
“What?! Are you mad?? I’m not paying that!”
“Ok, well then, let me see what I can do,” She continues to
click away on her keyboard through the receiving end of the phone. “I can sign
you up for a no interest for the first year line of credit to any of our chain
stores in the country.”
“I WANTED TO CANCEL EVERYTHING! What does that have to do
with helping me out with this past due amount?”
“I apologize again, sir. I am looking into another program
on how we can reduce the interest on that account.”
“I don’t want any more accounts, I just would like to cancel
this altogether and not pay that absurd amount, is that possible, please.”
“I apologize, sir. The computer is not letting me remove
your account unless the debt has been paid.”
“Look, just put me through to your manager. I need to speak
to whoever is in charge, right now.”
“Please hold.” The cheap jazz queues in for a blip and then
another voice comes on.
“Hello this is Derek. How can I help you?”
“Yes, hi, are you the manager? I need to cancel all these
accounts I apparently have. But I never remembered signing up for and they are saying that I
owe over 2,000 dollars in interest and membership fees for these accounts. I
never signed up for these.”
“I’m sorry sir, I am not the manager, the call was
transferred to me just now. If you would like, I can get the manager for you
but she is out right now. I can take down your name and contact information if
you would like.”
“…Sure,”
“I’m ready when you are sir.”
“It’s Dave Matthews,”
“Ok”
“Address is 123 Any
Street,”
“And is that one word or two?”
“Two. City is I’m Going,”
“Ok, and the state?”
“To sue all of you,”
“Oh um, I’m not pulling that state up for some reason, is
that in America? Hello? Are you there?”
The disgruntled caller hangs up on him.
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