Quitters for Hire

“How did you hear about us?” The man asks while scrolling down Albert’s application.

“I just can’t kick this problem, you know? And so a friend of mine referred me to you guys. He said that you guys are the best at helping people with their…issues.” Albert finishes while moving in his seat uncomfortably. The room they’re in can only support two chairs and the table between them, along with the clock ticking on the wall. The silence is thick between the conversations.

“Are you a man of taking great risks?” The man asks while jumping through the stapled packet of his application – carefully skimming through the pages.

“If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t need to come here, now would I?” Albert gives off a nervous laugh.

The door opens up with another man bringing in connected sheets of paper. They both study the readings from the sheets. They trail one of the sheets with a pen, following a diagram and sound as if they’ve come to an agreement on something. Soon after, the other man leaves with a quick nod to Albert. The door slams shut behind him.

“Congratulations. Your test reports came back confirming that you are severely addicted, this qualifies you for our six-month program. The terms and conditions are very simple. You stay clean for six months and this amount will be paid out to you.” The man slides a sheet of paper across the table to Albert. He scrolls down the legal jargon and finds a figure circled in purple highlighter ink. Albert nearly falls out of his seat, blinking his eyes and trying to make sense of the number that was in front of him. He starts to laugh thinking this might be a prank that his buddy is playing on him.

“So repeat what you just said again?” Albert asks the man.

“All you have to do is stay clean for six months, and you will be paid this much.” The man says as he points the stated figure at the bottom of the contract.

“How, how is that…possible? That is a lot of money! You can’t be serious, this is uncomfortably… ridiculous! There are two commas…your organization must be losing so much. How are you able to pay this to everyone?”

“Despite this insane figure, there are a great number of people who still don’t make it, you’d be surprised.

Albert reads and rereads the number circled in purple and is puzzled. He starts to think to himself, ‘what would happen if he didn’t make it?’ His thought is interrupted by the man across the table.

“Now one thing you have to understand, if you do not follow through on your end, we will take everything from you. All your assets, investments, retirements, your property, anything and everything that you own will be repossessed by us – no questions asked. If you decide to go through with this and sign your name on that dotted line, you are committed for six months. If you come out clean, we wire the money into the account number you provided us in your application. Any questions?”

“How many people have succeeded at this?”

“That’s confidential.”

“Is it effective at kicking my problem?”

“Shouldn't this be enough to get to you to quit? You do realize this would be wired into your account no questions asked, should you come out successful? I mean, there are other avenues for help, but if you are willing to go through with this, you are committed to us for six months. A camera will be on you for the duration of the program. You will stay the night here while our techs have your house and car wired. Any tampering or suspected tampering will terminate the program and just like that all your assets are seized. Once you sign this contract, our organization has full legal protection under several federal codes and statutes and would uphold this contract before you in any court system, stating that under purging, you surrender all assets and properties to our organization, therefore we are protected from such claims despite whatever representation you are able to muster."

The man removes his glasses and with his eyes closed sits back in his chair exhaling loudly, "Look, with all that I said to you, I am obliged to ask you once more, do you want to proceed with this?"